Last Day.



I think today is going to be my last day of therapy.

The thing with mental health is that there is never a finish line. I wake up every single day depressed and beating myself up for being depressed. I feel like a failure more often than not.  I still feel responsible for people and things that have little to do with me.

My various traumas follow me around daily, too. Some days, they're big, angry ghosts that I can absolutely not outrun or hide out from. Other days, they're not angry; they're just lurking in the background, and I can see them, but they don't interfere with the entire day.

I work various part time jobs from home, because I can't see myself spending 40 hours outside of my house now, or maybe ever. I'm social and good with people, but some days, my brain wins and I want to be left alone. I have never applied for disability, despite having disabling mental health issues. I'm too smart. Too high functioning. At least that's what my brain tells me.

Trauma therapy has been awesome. I have faced a lot of my fears head-on. I've learned how to be easier on myself when I do wake up sad and hating myself. I've learned healthier coping skills. I'm more present when I am in public. But I still have bad moments. I lose track of the conversation sometimes because I tend to disassociate, sometimes without even knowing i'm doing it. But i'm aware of it now, and I'm working on it.

Therapy has gotten me from a place where I flat out couldn't get out of bed, to doing things that I enjoy, despite the overwhelming darkness that comes over me most days. I can write again. My photography continues to improve. And if I have a bad day, I know now that it's probably just that, a bad day. It's not going to turn into a bad week, month, or year, like it used to.

I'm not cured, and I never will be. But I'm in a place where I need to be doing things, not just talking about them. I go to therapy, and I don't really have anything to talk about most days. Sitting in her office is not going to make those mornings any different, or the trauma disappear. So, I'll say my farewells for now, stay on my meds, and go out and live my life the best way that I know how.

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