Posts

Showing posts from September, 2019

The Darkness.

Image
I have been depressed pretty much my entire life. When I was a teenager, I remember sleeping entire days away. I'd skip school sometimes so I could stay home and sleep. I would medicate with food. As I got older, the depression got worse, but also had access to alcohol. I come from a long line of alcoholics, so it was a natural progression. I've never been an alcoholic, but i've definitely gone through periods of hard drinking and blackouts.

I didn't go on antidepressants until my mid-twenties, after a friend of mine called my mom because they were worried about me. I didn't have insurance, so I had to go to a local sliding scale clinic, for therapy and for meds. There were more than a few misdiIagnoses. I was put on a mood stabilizer that made me have a seizure at a temp job I was working at the time. I've gone on meds, off meds, and on again.

Two years ago, I had a breakdown that tore my entire world apart. I lost my job, and eventually lost my unemployment…

Mental Health: You Gotta Be Tough

Image
I wrote an entire blog post about how I forget things constantly, and then Blogger forgot the entire entry, a love story in three acts:

Act 1: The one where she tells you how she forgets things, and why she forgets so easily

Act 2: The one where she reads her writing, and for the first time in a long time, was happy with the end result

Act 3: The one where the world weary Gen-Xer is disappointed, but overall, still into it. But not into the idea of a rewrite, so she relies heavily on a clever writing style to make up for it. She remains an enigma. Everyone wins.



Insomnia and TV Families

Image
Life over the past year has been hectic, and the past few months have been no exception. My mom has been in and out of the hospital, again. She was able to stay in a local hospital, because it wasn't transplant related, but it was still a hospital visit. I also take her to get her blood work done every Monday, so that the transplant team can monitor her levels and watch for rejection.

I've also hit some milestones with therapy, and find myself again potentially at the end of my therapy visits for now. In addition to feeling like a different person mentally, I'm also adjusting to my smaller body. All of these things cause anxiety, and some nights, I end up wide awake. I tend to watch TV instead of writing or doing anything creative, because that only feeds into my insomnia. The last time I wrote at night, I was still up at 7am, and had to be at work a few hours after that. That was fine when I was young, but I'm over 40 and don't bounce back like I used to.

I'v…