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Tired.



I have been so tired over the past two weeks or so. I'm still being productive (whatever that means), keeping up with work and my friendships. But once it gets dark outside, I am just done. All I want to do is snuggle up on the couch and watch tv.

It makes sense that I'm this tired, really. I had an incident with my brother that ended in me deciding that I can't be a part of his life right now.

On top of that, my mom came home from the nursing home finally and seemed to be doing better, only to have to be rushed to the ER two days later, with a bleeding spleen. We're not sure how or why it happened, but it may be connected to a fall that she took at the nursing home. And as all nursing homes seem to do, they swept it under the rug and sent her home.

Her house has been in disrepair for a long time, so my sister decided to fix the place up with her tax return. Only, everyone who was supposed to help bailed at the last minute. So, my husband and I ended up redoing my mom's bedroom: Kurt put in a new ceiling, and I helped paint the ceiling and walls. It looks better, but there's still more work to do.

All of my family stuff keeps me pretty overwhelmed and tired most days. Tired, because it feels like none of it ever changes, and I've changed. So it's hard to find new ways to communicate in such a dysfunctional situation without someone overreacting. Even with boundaries, it still feels like Way Too Much some days.


I started watching Transparent on Amazon Prime, and watched all four seasons over the course of about two weeks. Watching another family with zero boundaries interact is somehow comforting for me. We've also been watching Letterkenny, and I don't think i've watched a show as hilarious as that one in a really long time.

I haven't been feeling inspired creatively lately, which is really bothering me. I'm buying a new camera, and even picked it out, but haven't ordered it yet. Because I have weird issues surrounding money, and spending a lot on a new camera feels hard for me. I have a writing project that is about half done, and I haven't had the energy to finish it.

I know the inspiration will return. It has to. It's getting warmer out, which means I'll feel more like being outdoors, taking photos. I'm hoping to take a trip to Virginia in May or June to visit a place i've been dying to take pictures of. I'm reading more and more every day about shopping malls and the retail apocalypse. I find myself endlessly fascinated by how retail has changed and isn't a social thing anymore. So I keep reading,  and keep learning.

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Oh Make Me Over.

I don't stay up late much anymore. I prefer to take an Ambien, and sleep when everyone else is asleep. But tonight for some reason, I've felt really restless, so I decided to just go with it and stay up.

When I'm up this late, I usually find a trashy makeover show on Netflix. Those are my shit. From the first time I watched a makeover episode of The Jenny Jones Show, I knew that I was hooked. I've watched stuff like Extreme Makeover.

I found one on Netflix called Bringing Sexy Back. Besides its hilariously dated name, it's Australian. So I get makeovers and accents? Cool.

The first episode (I think, tbh I'm also at what we like to call "a comfortable cruising altitude", it could be the second episode) is a husband and wife. They have two kids that play a lot of fucking cricket, and also somehow one of them is also in band? Anyways, the mom runs them around to all the things, and doesn't have time to make them food. So they eat garbage, and put on…