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Oh Make Me Over.




I don't stay up late much anymore. I prefer to take an Ambien, and sleep when everyone else is asleep. But tonight for some reason, I've felt really restless, so I decided to just go with it and stay up.

When I'm up this late, I usually find a trashy makeover show on Netflix. Those are my shit. From the first time I watched a makeover episode of The Jenny Jones Show, I knew that I was hooked. I've watched stuff like Extreme Makeover.

I found one on Netflix called Bringing Sexy Back. Besides its hilariously dated name, it's Australian. So I get makeovers and accents? Cool.

The first episode (I think, tbh I'm also at what we like to call "a comfortable cruising altitude", it could be the second episode) is a husband and wife. They have two kids that play a lot of fucking cricket, and also somehow one of them is also in band? Anyways, the mom runs them around to all the things, and doesn't have time to make them food. So they eat garbage, and put on weight.

Perfect makeover show story, right? The dad loves polo shirts. The mom drinks a lot of pop.


So the Sexy Back people come to town, and they bring this thing that is honest to god called The Sexy Truck. The married couple gets into the truck, and they get their body scans done. I also would only get a body scan in the back of a Sexy Truck, so needless to say I've never had a body scan.

The husband and wife get their results. They are shocked by the findings. They're given a trainer and a weight loss goal. They're getting new teeth and lifting weights and eating vegetables and even cutting them up themselves! It's like a whole new frontier.

They do their mid-point check in. The husband is more motivated than the wife. The husband loses more weight. The wife is lightweight pissed at the husband, but knows she has to step her game up. Typical makeover show drama. But also, that shit happens when you're losing weight and your husband inevitably loses weight quicker. You get jealous. But you should also appreciate that your husband is a fucking babe, and looks good in those smaller jeans. But that doesn't sell tv shows or diet productts.

Then these shows always skip ahead a few months. We meet back up with the married couple, who are wearing bulky robes, presumably to hide their weight loss (antici-PATION). The wife goes to get new teeth and hair while they shave down her husband's already pretty short stubble. I would personally fight any makeover show that would shave my husband's beard off, but I feel like my husband and I are also smart enough to not go on a makeover show together. Although, we do both really love clothes and good haircuts, and I do miss my bougie ass $200 a month functional fitness gym, so we could be swayed.

But I digress. Let's see if that nice Australian couple gets their Sexy Back.

This is the point in the makeover show where things start to feel like an episode of The Hunger Games, only it's just the part with the announcers showing stats for the, athletes? People involved? I don't know why I picked the Hunger Games reference. I don't feel like Googling. Anyways, these shows are all the same.

The friends and family of the people being made over are gathered, to feign excitement over their loved ones' new looks. The dad is wearing some pushed up sleeved suit jacket look that makes me absolutely fucking crazy. Who actually dresses like that? Nobody I know. It looks weird, but the dad looks good, and his one kid is really going into his feelings and crying it out. Good for you, kid. I wish I had been that emotional at your age. 

The mom comes out in a dress she'll never wear again, definitely looking slender, rocking a new heavily highlighted, hairdo, complete with extensions.. They almost always go red. Red is such a "new me, new 'do" kind of color on some people. She does the awkward mom hip bump you go girl dance. We all cheer and whoa the kid who was crying about dad's look is now in a second tv meltdown for his mom. I hope Australian kids are nicer than American kids, because if this was America, that kid would get turned into a meme and a .gif and roasted by his classmates until the end of time. I would probably see that meme, laugh, and share it with my friends. I love schadenfreude, which sums up why I love these fucking makeover shows.

I think the entire spectacle that is made when people go through big makeovers is weird. Celebrating weight loss and shifts in people's appearances is so uncomfortable and odd. Sure, both of them look great, but do we need to throw them an awkward party with their extended families? Why do we as a culture feel that it is necessary to celebrate these things? Aren't these things just choices that people decide to make for themselves?

But if that's where people find their motivation, I guess that's fine, too. There's a reason these shows have stayed on the air for so long, and I guess there's a reason I've watched them for as long as I have, too.

I'm gonna go watch someone else get some chunky highlights and some too strappy heels that won't even make their way home with her.  She'll forget them at the big reveal party. It's like a modern day Cinderella, only the glass slipper is a wedge from Shoedazzle Dot Who Gives A Shit.

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