Since transplant, my mom has had hallucinations. When she was in the SICU, she kept telling us that someone was out to get her, and that we wouldn't believe what the hospital was doing. She kept showing me her incisions, which are huge and closed with staples. She was in ICU for around two weeks, and finally moved to the regular floor.
Since moving to that floor, she's had problems with mentation. Her thinking isn't there. She isn't always verbal. She goes entire days without speaking to her nurses. We go to visit, and she first asks where my husband is. If he's with us, she's excited to see him. Calls him by his name. But she doesn't use me or my sister's name. She will be trying to talk, and just blank out and start staring into space (or at the tv). She has 24 hour supervision, because she's tried to pull out her various lines.
It's hard to watch. I can tell that she knows what's going on; that she can't think straight or verbalize anything. When she does talk, it sounds like she's on a phone call; her usual phrasing and etc are there. Which is even harder for me, because i've talked to my mom on the phone nearly every day for years. She used to do the same with her mom, and I guess it runs in the family.
I think it's even harder for me because I've been my mom's fixer for years. When she couldn't take care of herself when I was young, I was there to help. I sacrificed my twenties and various internships and opportunities out of town, because I felt guilty. Responsible. When my mom would have bad days, she'd call me and I'd talk her down. Or just talk about things that would make her happy. And now, I can't fix shit. I can ask her nasty nurse for updates, and can call the transplant coordinators for more in-depth discussions, but I. Can't. Fix. Shit.
I can just stand by, and wait and hope that things get better.
I'm hoping that it's just a slow road to somewhere that she's at least with it enough to go into rehab, and eventually back home. Physically, she looks better than she has in years. But this mental part is a real motherfucker. Just writing about it is making me feel like I want to cry and throw up at the same time.
I'm keeping myself motivated and moving. Today, I met up with my good friend to discuss our plans and get an outline for what we're working on together (IT'S A SECRET, STAY TUNED). I also went for a walk at Summit Mall, the only "live" mall in the Akron area. It's a very boring mall (as all Simon Malls are; they seem to strip out all color and character and make their malls big and white and bland), but I can get 5,000 steps in really quickly there.
I went to a meeting tonight for a camera club in Akron. I was the only woman there, so I wasn't expecting much. But the group of men I met tonight are fantastic, and I look forward to learning a lot from them.
I've also been getting work done for my various clients, updating my Instagram daily, and stopping by Rolling Acres Mall to keep track of the demolition daily, too.
But all I can think about is my mom.