The problem with my emotions is that I'm feeling them at the maximum level at all times. Sometimes my sadness feels like it's never going to end. I have a lot of days where I'm just fucking frustrated. But as I've become more able to notice my emotions as they come up, the one I see the most is anger.
I get angry when I think about my past. Thinking about any guy who I used or who used me from late 2010-2014 makes me furious.
Those years were HARD. Once I left my abusive ex (who honestly, I was only with because I wanted to escape my abusive mother), I spiraled out of control. I almost immediately ended up having an affair with a guy I had known since I was a teenager. I liked his band when I was young, and connected with him years later via Facebook. He is still one of the fucking worst people I have ever let into my life, and thinking about it makes me so mad.
After that guy, I dated a guy who I didn't like and I wasn't attracted to. In fact, he was incredibly annoying, totally emotionally cut off, and had the grossest lips and was built like Humpty Dumpty. I hated that guy. But I stayed with him for two years because he figured out how weak I was, and lured me in with gifts and other fancy ass things I couldn't afford myself. Instead of being alone and taking care of myself, I sort of dated him, accepted the gifts, and slept with a few other dudes on the side. I think about how I felt like I couldn't escape his milquetoast ass, and it makes me so mad.
I left that guy and had a six month whatever with this comedian. He and I spent nearly every weekend together. I knew that I was too good for him; he was a bottom of the dumpster dwelling trash person, but that's what I thought I deserved. When I finally asked him what we were, he gave me some story about how he wasn't ready for a relationship. Once I stepped aside, he was in a relationship with a girl who was 19 (he was in his thirties). I did go to some good parties while we were hanging out, which I don't regret. But I get mad when I think about all of the time I wasted getting to know someone who was using me.
Comedians were my thing. They were all sad and had low self esteem, so I felt like I was amongst my people. They're also incredibly good at using women for money, rides, etc. As stated above, the parties were always great, and even now, there are a bunch of those guys who I still support from time to time, and always am happy to see when I'm out. They also have the best weed and will always share.
I became super close with this comedian who lived a few hours away. I think I just enjoyed the constant communication without having to be around anyone, because I didn't see him unless he had a show in my city. In reality, he was always pretty dirty, and he used me for money and occasionally to soothe his loneliness. I was doing the same thing (not the money part though). He went to some Hold Steady shows with me, which makes me unbearably mad sometimes to think about (fun fact: I have seen THS with TWO dudes I didn't even like. But that all cancels out because I get to see them with my husband now). He also likes to pop up and add me on socials from time to time, which instantly makes me mad. I contacted him the last time, and hopefully it was the actual last time.
There was a married guy who fucked like a broken washing machine. He was a comic, and I was tragically drunk at Annabell's one night when that whole thing came together. When we were hanging out, he told me, "my wife and I actually have a good marriage, I don't want you to think that we don't." He also asked me to never write about him. Kiss my ass, KB, you're not a good person and well, you fuck like a broken washing machine.
Two guys assaulted me during that time period: my ex, who lives in Virginia, who lured me out there under the guise of being a good friend and giving me a place to chill for a couple weeks, and get away from the hospital slog with my mom. The other was a guy I had known for years and had never been physical with. Again, I was tragically drunk at Annabell's one night when this happened. He charades around town as this fucking nice guy, when in reality, he preys on drunk girls with questionable self esteem. It makes me mad.
I think what makes me so mad when I think about these guys is how poorly I treated myself during these years. I KNEW none of the guys I mentioned above were not good for me, in any way, shape or form. But I kept going back to it.
I have always had problems connecting with people in person. I'm so hardwired to believe I'm not interesting, not intelligent, and nobody needs to know me. I know those things aren't true now, and I'm working on changing those automatic habits.
I'm like anyone else in this world: I crave connection, friendship, sex...all of those things. But my loneliness used to steer the ship, so to speak. I know that I was with these guys because I was lonely. Because I didn't think I deserved better. Because I didn't know how to say no, or how to get away. And now, I want to write about these things, say FUCK THESE THINGS/PEOPLE/SITUATIONS once and for all, and move forward. So that is essentially what this blog entry is all about.
Things now are incredibly different, and I'm still digging myself out of automatic behaviors and thought patterns. But I'm loved, supported, and most of all safe now. So, it gives me the space to look back on these situations and still be a little mad, but also, I can view them more fairly now. I was with these guys because I didn't have the skills that I do now. I wasn't able to ask for what I needed back then. I was also still very deeply enmeshed in my family's awful structure and system, trying to take care of a bunch of people who don't take care of themselves.
I'm emerging from all of the therapy and weight loss as a totally different person. I feel more authentic. I'm able to have conversations in public, and more importantly, I can go out and not worry about who I may run into. I also am trying to allow my humor to come through more in person, because if you really know me, you know that I am acting like a fool nearly 97% of any given day.
But every so often, I still get angry. But at least I am more clear on where it's coming from now.