Yesterday was my first food centered holiday since making peace with myself.
I had dinner with my best friend and her family. We've been friends for a really long time, and have similar hurts. We've been discussing our pasts in really raw terms, and it has been immensely healing and helpful for me to be able to open up like that. So, what better way to celebrate than eating homemade comfort foods. I got a little bit of each and picked through it while we watched Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. I had a piece of pie. I ate too much spinach dip.
But I didn't leave feeling too full while simultaneously feeling empty. I didn't have to endure attacks on my weakest parts being disguised as kind hearted joking. We ate, we laughed, we talked a little when our husbands were downstairs, and we had a good time.
I've always struggled with the holidays, because of my family dynamic. We've always been poor, so holidays became just another day a long time ago. Even as adults, we don't buy gifts for each other. But since getting married, that has all shifted. This was our first year going somewhere other than our bio families, and it felt good.
Just because you are having dinner with your family doesn't mean that they necessarily feed the parts of you that need fed. This holiday, I just wanted to be myself. I'm soft and broken but also motivated and positive. I don't have a whole lot of time for managing other's experiences and expectations anymore. It's hard enough to get myself through the day sometimes. I wanted to share a meal with people I love, who love me back. So I did that. And it felt really good.
I'm turning 42 tomorrow. I'm going bowling, and some people will come out and bowl with me. I am going into 42 completely exhausted and totally ready for whatever comes next.