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Everything Good Can Be Bad.


I feel like i've made a breakthrough in my own writing.

I have lived a life that is full of situations and people that make for great stories. I've run around with bands, broken into buildings, stayed the night with strangers from the internet,  things like that, and the stories I come up with are always hilarious.

But with some of the other stories (which are also good), I struggle with telling them, because in telling them, I look like an asshole. And I'm not comfortable with that, so I just don't tell the story, or I tell them in a way that comes off as defensive. And I don't want to be defensive anymore.

Over the past eight years, I have gone through some insanely tough restructuring of my life, and how I live within it. And during that time, there were some situations where yes, I was in the wrong, and yes, I acted like a total asshole. I've been the other woman. I've used people. I've lied a lot, because it was less painful than telling the truth. I've walked away from people, never to return again, ever. But I don't forget about them. I drank too much and smoked too much and slacked off and became apathetic. I've gained and lost hundreds of pounds, in various states of trying to destroy myself instead of just fucking talking to someone.

I don't know how to make female friends. I'm horrible at it. There are lots of women in this town who I'd love to get to know. But I've been so isolated for so long, because navigating major depression is really, really hard. And if the chemicals in my brain aren't balanced, then it's just that much harder (because no depressed person wants to say that they actually *need* their meds, do they?). I haven't always been good at asking for help. When I'm depressed, I feel like if I tell anyone, I become a burden on them. I've been a terrible friend to others in the past, but I am much better at it these days.

I'm feeling everything these days. And it's so hard. But I think recognizing that it's ok to not be the hero in your stories all the time is a big thing. To keep moving forward, I have to be ok with the asshole I was in the past. And maybe through sharing some of those stories, I'll not only be working towards having a more authentic voice, I'll also make you laugh/roll your eyes in the process.

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I am very bad at keeping websites updated! 

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The picture above, Heavy Metta, will be a part of 24, at Summit Artspace starting April 13!

Be Honest.

I went out to breakfast with my dad today. He had a vintage vanity that my sister was giving to me; I love everything about the vanity, so I wasn't going to let her just get rid of it. So my dad packed it into the back of his big ridiculous truck, and waited for a day that Kurt and I would be able to lug the damn thing up the stairs. We celebrated with various eggs and breakfast meats.

I called to get an update on my mom, as I do every day around mid day, and sometimes in the evening. I got a nurse today I had never spoken to; he had a very deep, matter-of-fact voice. I asked how she was doing, and he said she was stable, and about the same as before. Then, out of nowhere, he said, "you know, she's just going to be like this until she gets her liver. We're keeping her stable so that she can do that. But she's not going to improve until the transplant happens."

And for a goddamned second, that stung. But almost immediately, I appreciated his honesty.

My mom ha…