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Everything Good Can Be Bad.


I feel like i've made a breakthrough in my own writing.

I have lived a life that is full of situations and people that make for great stories. I've run around with bands, broken into buildings, stayed the night with strangers from the internet,  things like that, and the stories I come up with are always hilarious.

But with some of the other stories (which are also good), I struggle with telling them, because in telling them, I look like an asshole. And I'm not comfortable with that, so I just don't tell the story, or I tell them in a way that comes off as defensive. And I don't want to be defensive anymore.

Over the past eight years, I have gone through some insanely tough restructuring of my life, and how I live within it. And during that time, there were some situations where yes, I was in the wrong, and yes, I acted like a total asshole. I've been the other woman. I've used people. I've lied a lot, because it was less painful than telling the truth. I've walked away from people, never to return again, ever. But I don't forget about them. I drank too much and smoked too much and slacked off and became apathetic. I've gained and lost hundreds of pounds, in various states of trying to destroy myself instead of just fucking talking to someone.

I don't know how to make female friends. I'm horrible at it. There are lots of women in this town who I'd love to get to know. But I've been so isolated for so long, because navigating major depression is really, really hard. And if the chemicals in my brain aren't balanced, then it's just that much harder (because no depressed person wants to say that they actually *need* their meds, do they?). I haven't always been good at asking for help. When I'm depressed, I feel like if I tell anyone, I become a burden on them. I've been a terrible friend to others in the past, but I am much better at it these days.

I'm feeling everything these days. And it's so hard. But I think recognizing that it's ok to not be the hero in your stories all the time is a big thing. To keep moving forward, I have to be ok with the asshole I was in the past. And maybe through sharing some of those stories, I'll not only be working towards having a more authentic voice, I'll also make you laugh/roll your eyes in the process.

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Hi There!

I am very bad at keeping websites updated! 

Until then, find me over on instagram @flannelkimono and @j.anshutz

I'm also on Twitter @flannelkimono

The picture above, Heavy Metta, will be a part of 24, at Summit Artspace starting April 13!

Feeling Stuck.

I used to write daily, in my Livejournal. I would make time every day, before and after work, to go through and read what my friends wrote, and to also write something of my own. Even if my day was dull, I wrote. Writing always made me feel better, especially when I was honest about what I was feeling. Writing helped me process everything.

And then I quit writing. I was in an abusive relationship, and he told me repeatedly that my words didn't matter. Nobody cared about what I had to say. So I believed it.

Since leaving him in 2010, I've been in various phases of recovery. Not all of it was good, either. But recovery never seems to be a linear thing. Change takes time and work.

My last therapy session was last week. I did a lot of writing while I was going through the program, because writing helped me process all of the dark, awful things that I had been carrying around for so long. But now the structure of therapy is gone, and I know I need to keep processing.

I sit here a …