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Musicals as Movies, Birthdays, and More.



Tuesday ended up being pretty eventful. I got up a little later than usual, because I  had stayed up too late and forgot to take my sleep meds until later. I try and take them around midnight, because if I don't, the hangover the next day is horrible. One of the fun features of my PTSD is my complete lack of ability to sleep. My anxiety is at its absolute worst at night. I lay down at night, and my heart starts racing. My brain doesn't shut down. I feel paranoid and scared for no reason. So I've been taking Ambien on and off for years. It's the only thing that works for me. Anyways, I took it late, so I slept in a bit.

My sister's birthday was Tuesday. She's in her late thirties now, and pregnant with her first kid, a girl. My sister has always wanted to be a mom, but was also always waiting for the perfect time to do it. Life has pretty much shown us all that there's really no such thing as perfect timing. She's excited and I'm happy for her.

She wanted to do something for her birthday. She suggested swimming, but I'm still not able to go into a pool. I still have two scabby sites from surgery, and the surgeon said I wouldn't be able to swim for 4-6 weeks. I miss swimming, and being in the sun. But rules are rules, and I'm not trying to get some weird ass infection from swimming in a pool. So we ended up going to a movie, since Tuesday is $5 movie day (one perk of living in Ohio: everything is cheap here! We're also very poor and the weather makes us crazy, but FIVE DOLLAR MOVIE DAY).

Our friend had her kids with her, so we ended up going to see Mamma Mia 2. I hadn't seen the first one, but knew that it was a musical based on the music of Swedish supergroup ABBA.

Now, if there is a hell, my version of it will be hosted in a sports bar type setting, full of flat screen tvs showing nothing but musicals turned into movies. Good god, do I hate musical movies. Especially the ones made in recent years. Les Miserables, the play? Gorgeous. Les Miserables, the movie? No thank you. Rock of Ages was an abomination. Don't talk to me about Chicago, I turned it off within 20 minutes of starting it.Call me cynical or whatever, but my life never involves spontaneous dancing and singing, so why would I want to see it in a movie?



The only movie turned musical that I give a shit about is Hedwig and the Angry Inch (pictured above, in a very much my aesthetic mall scene from the movie). I became obsessed with the movie when it first came out and I caught it on late night cable. I saw the play on Broadway in 2015, with Michael C. Hall playing Hedwig. David Fisher played the SHIT out of that part, and I cried a lot.

Mamma Mia 2 was schmaltzy and packed with older movie star types. The storyline was ridiculous (a girl with three dads opens a hotel in Greece to honor her dead mother. Three dads? Do they not have DNA tests?). We follow the mother through her earlier years, where she was Very Beautiful and a Very Free Spirit. Cher played the grandmother. Her face looks insanely tight, but she can still sing. I hated the movie, but was in good company, and it beat sitting in my house all day.

My mom had called me in the morning. She was crying and having a bad day, because she was homesick, and wanted me to come and visit. My car is falling apart, so I try to avoid driving it as much as possible. But I miss having a reliable vehicle. My sister and I ended up going to see her after we went to the movies. She was happy to see us.

This entire process of organ transplantation has taken a toll on all of us. And we're still not out of the woods with it, so the toll keeps on rising. While we wait on a liver, my mom is stuck with her declining one, and all of the side effects and other horrible shit that comes along with it.

She's finally having some lucid moments, though, which has been nice. But I know she's tired. And she's scared. All I can do for her is listen, and calm her down when she needs it. So that's what I did today.

Tomorrow, I have no real plans beyond writing in here again and maybe some light cleaning around the house. My stomach is still really sore and I'm not all that hungry. I see the doctor on the 22nd, so we'll see what that's all about.

Until tomorrow.

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I am very bad at keeping websites updated! 

Until then, find me over on instagram @flannelkimono and @j.anshutz

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The picture above, Heavy Metta, will be a part of 24, at Summit Artspace starting April 13!

Feeling Stuck.

I used to write daily, in my Livejournal. I would make time every day, before and after work, to go through and read what my friends wrote, and to also write something of my own. Even if my day was dull, I wrote. Writing always made me feel better, especially when I was honest about what I was feeling. Writing helped me process everything.

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My last therapy session was last week. I did a lot of writing while I was going through the program, because writing helped me process all of the dark, awful things that I had been carrying around for so long. But now the structure of therapy is gone, and I know I need to keep processing.

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