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Feeling Stuck.



I used to write daily, in my Livejournal. I would make time every day, before and after work, to go through and read what my friends wrote, and to also write something of my own. Even if my day was dull, I wrote. Writing always made me feel better, especially when I was honest about what I was feeling. Writing helped me process everything.

And then I quit writing. I was in an abusive relationship, and he told me repeatedly that my words didn't matter. Nobody cared about what I had to say. So I believed it.

Since leaving him in 2010, I've been in various phases of recovery. Not all of it was good, either. But recovery never seems to be a linear thing. Change takes time and work.

My last therapy session was last week. I did a lot of writing while I was going through the program, because writing helped me process all of the dark, awful things that I had been carrying around for so long. But now the structure of therapy is gone, and I know I need to keep processing.

I sit here a lot of the time, thinking about all of the things that I want to do. I want to start painting again. I'd love to learn woodworking. Maybe I could learn Photoshop finally. I'd like to put out a book of my mall photos.

And I think myself into circles, instead of just doing the things that I can do right now. The one thing that I know will help me feel better, and keep processing through all of my feelings. But even then, I think about how my writing isn't good enough. It's not focused. I don't want people in my business. And I talk myself out of it.

But I can't do that anymore. I can't censor myself, worrying about hurting feelings, or putting too much of myself out there. Because my life right now (and really, all this year) is full of change. Full of things I need to process. Things I need to be talking my way through.

So I updated my layout today, and here I am. And I'll be here, every day. Figuring shit out. Sharing. Talking into the void.

Today I woke up with a stomachache. It's happened a few times since surgery. It usually means I'm not keeping myself hydrated, which was the case today. I drank some water when I woke up and it helped immediately.  I also filled my old lady pill box for the week last night, so that I don't forget to take any of my vitamins or other meds through the week. I'm insanely forgetful about that stuff.

I also went and got my eyebrows waxed. I'm letting my hair grow back after having a shaved head most of this year, and it looks ok, but is also in that crazy phase of growing out. I have cowlicks across the entire front of my head, going in different directions. If I don't use product, it looks crazy. Hell, even with product, it looks crazy. I quit getting my brows done earlier this year, but decided today that I couldn't take it anymore. Plus, I really like the girl who does my brows. She's the only person i've ever allowed to put wax on my face who hasn't plucked and waxed my brows down into those weird little comma shapes. Fun fact: years ago, I had a friend who was an esthetician, and she offered to come to my house and do my brows. I agreed, because I mean, who wouldn't want to just have their brows done at home? She not only gave me the commas, she also waxed my brows half way off. They looked horrible. I was devastated. I ended up unfriending her on social media over it, because my self-esteem is already super fragile and she fucked me over for months after that. Also I'm petty.

After my brows were done, I went to Old Navy. I wasn't going to buy anything, but they had a sweatshirt that said Stay Positive on it, and I'm always going to buy anything that reminds me of The Hold Steady. Period. I also went to TJ Maxx and got a card for my sister's birthday.

Speaking of The Hold Steady, we're going to see them in September in Chicago. I'm excited to go to Chicago with my husband, and also to see the band, and the few people who I always enjoy seeing at shows. 

I started rewatching Friday Night Lights last night. God, I love that show. I'm sure i'll be writing more about that.

Until tomorrow.

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Hi There!

I am very bad at keeping websites updated! 

Until then, find me over on instagram @flannelkimono and @j.anshutz

I'm also on Twitter @flannelkimono

The picture above, Heavy Metta, will be a part of 24, at Summit Artspace starting April 13!

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