June 20 was supposed to be the day that I was going to quit my job. I had it marked in my calendar; I was going to go to take a week off of work, use up my vacation time, go see The Hold Steady in Chicago, and then June 20, quit my job.
I got fired on May 11. When I walked into work that morning, I knew something was up. I had been to this rodeo before. After the "can I see you in the conference room" and the news delivered from people who can't make eye contact, I said "ok, I just need to clean my office out". I had already taken most of my important things home weeks earlier, so it took me a few minutes to collect my photos and anything else I had brought to remind me that my Life on the Outside of that place was what mattered to me most.
I sat in my car for a moment, and called my husband. We laughed a bit on my drive home. I could feel my blood pressure dropping, which was fantastic. I went home, trudged up the million flights of stairs, and sat down on the couch.
It was finally over.
I started working with small businesses in 2009, after my Corporate Job was shipped out to another country. Since 2009, I have been in the middle of a million married couple quarrels, or even worse, the Great Ice Out (where couples fight at home, but then bring it to work and don't talk to each other or anyone else all day). I have held hands with people who don't know how to adult properly. I've worked for people who couldn't work for other people, so they became bosses.
(I also worked for a really cool startup in between. My boss from there ruled, and still does.)
I spent a lot of time at these jobs, doing what I do best: getting my "work" done quickly, and then spending the rest of my day reading shit on the internet. Before the internet, I was totally one of those weird kids who was always at the public library after school. I used to check out stacks of magazines, and books on weird things that I was curious about. The internet has made it that much easier to find out all about weird shit. I was hooked from the start (or from 2001, when I got my first computer at home).
I have struggled with mental health issues for years, and was diagnosed with C-PTSD around 2014 or 2015. I have no desire to discuss the events that lead up to this diagnosis, but I will say, they were extremely violent situations that happened in my childhood, as well as my adult years. I have major anxiety, problems with focus, and i'm pretty paranoid. I started PTSD-specific therapy late in 2016. Through doing work with various therapists, I have finally figured out how to cope with my past. But the triggers and the bad days are still there. And bad days + bosses you can't tell anything personal to = bad times.
I've now been fired twice, for looking at the internet on work time. So, here's what i'm thinking:
1. I want to stay home right now. I can't deal with crowds. I can't deal with making new office friends. I'm also totally burnt out on office work. It's boring.
2. I LOVE THE INTERNET! Seriously. You all know me from the internet. I love to tweet, I love to post on Instagram, I love that I'm an aggrigator of weird articles and memes on Facebook.
3. I want to write more. I want to write about all of the weird things that I look up on the internet. I love trashy gossip, music, horoscopes, abandoned places, juggalos...
So, that's what I'm going to do. Write more. Share more. And hopefully, put myself out there a little more, too.
To my old bosses, sorry that I like the internet so much. And thank you for letting me go.
To the rest of you: prepare yourselves for more pop culture and mental health posts than you can shake a stick at!