Posts

Last Day.

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I think today is going to be my last day of therapy.

The thing with mental health is that there is never a finish line. I wake up every single day depressed and beating myself up for being depressed. I feel like a failure more often than not.  I still feel responsible for people and things that have little to do with me.

My various traumas follow me around daily, too. Some days, they're big, angry ghosts that I can absolutely not outrun or hide out from. Other days, they're not angry; they're just lurking in the background, and I can see them, but they don't interfere with the entire day.

I work various part time jobs from home, because I can't see myself spending 40 hours outside of my house now, or maybe ever. I'm social and good with people, but some days, my brain wins and I want to be left alone. I have never applied for disability, despite having disabling mental health issues. I'm too smart. Too high functioning. At least that's what my brain te…

The Darkeness.

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I have been depressed pretty much my entire life. When I was a teenager, I remember sleeping entire days away. I'd skip school sometimes so I could stay home and sleep. I would medicate with food. As I got older, the depression got worse, but also had access to alcohol. I come from a long line of alcoholics, so it was a natural progression. I've never been an alcoholic, but i've definitely gone through periods of hard drinking and blackouts.

I didn't go on antidepressants until my mid-twenties, after a friend of mine called my mom because they were worried about me. I didn't have insurance, so I had to go to a local sliding scale clinic, for therapy and for meds. There were more than a few misdiIagnoses. I was put on a mood stabilizer that made me have a seizure at a temp job I was working at the time. I've gone on meds, off meds, and on again.

Two years ago, I had a breakdown that tore my entire world apart. I lost my job, and eventually lost my unemployment…

Mental Health: You Gotta Be Tough

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I wrote an entire blog post about how I forget things constantly, and then Blogger forgot the entire entry, a love story in three acts:

Act 1: The one where she tells you how she forgets things, and why she forgets so easily

Act 2: The one where she reads her writing, and for the first time in a long time, was happy with the end result

Act 3: The one where the world weary Gen-Xer is disappointed, but overall, still into it. But not into the idea of a rewrite, so she relies heavily on a clever writing style to make up for it. She remains an enigma. Everyone wins.



Insomnia and TV Families

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Life over the past year has been hectic, and the past few months have been no exception. My mom has been in and out of the hospital, again. She was able to stay in a local hospital, because it wasn't transplant related, but it was still a hospital visit. I also take her to get her blood work done every Monday, so that the transplant team can monitor her levels and watch for rejection.

I've also hit some milestones with therapy, and find myself again potentially at the end of my therapy visits for now. In addition to feeling like a different person mentally, I'm also adjusting to my smaller body. All of these things cause anxiety, and some nights, I end up wide awake. I tend to watch TV instead of writing or doing anything creative, because that only feeds into my insomnia. The last time I wrote at night, I was still up at 7am, and had to be at work a few hours after that. That was fine when I was young, but I'm over 40 and don't bounce back like I used to.

I'v…

A Eulogy For My Hometown

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I just got back from a long weekend in Chicago. I was there to spend some time with my friend, and to see a few Hold Steady shows. It was nice. I loved the neighborhood my friend lives in now; it was quiet, and the buildings were old, and reminded me of the neighborhood I currently live in.

Coming home after each trip has become increasingly harder. I spend the next few days completely depressed that I'm back in my hometown, where I've lived my entire life so far. Only this time, I actually sat and thought about why I feel so awful when I come back to northeast Ohio.

I've been in Akron my entire life. I was born at Akron General Hospital 25 minutes before Thanksgiving in 1976. I grew up in a blue collar, heavily Appalachian expat neighborhood near a few lakes and not much else. My family never worked in the rubber industry. My mom's family came to Akron for a job in insurance. My dad's dad worked for the electric company, I think. I'm not sure what brought his…

Waiting.

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My mom went back into the hospital yesterday. She hadn't been feeling great, so she made an appointment with her family doctor, to get some meds adjusted. I dropped her off at her appointment, and headed across town to my therapy appointment. When I walked out of therapy, there were five missed calls from my mom's doctor's office. Her doctor wanted her to go to the ER to get the swelling checked in her legs, so I went directly from therapy to the ER.

The room was located close to the other area of the hospital that I had been in with my brother earlier this year. The white walls made me almost instantly nauseous. But I went into my bag of tricks, put on my strong face, and kept my mom company while she waited for results from various blood tests.

When you have a new organ in your body, nothing is easy anymore. The ER doctor didn't feel comfortable not involving the transplant team, since my mom's recovery was so long and so rocky. So they admitted her and transfer…

Ladies Night

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I'm feeling very spiritual this evening, having spent my last evening on the lawn at Blossom, seeing Heart live for the first time in my life.  This is my second Bad Bitch Summer. I started the tradition last summer, when I spent a lot of time with my homegirl, smoking weed and listening to Cardi B. I'd write for hours, and it helped me become productively creative again. So I decided that it was going to become an annual event. Bad Bitch summer so far has involved me wearing a two piece swimsuit in public (and not feeling weird about it), having a tan, smoking weed, and listening to various bad bitch playlists while I edit photos and push myself to write more. I've always heard that you should fake it 'til you make it, and I firmly believe in Bad Bitch Summer helping me shine through the long winter.
I hadn't planned on going to see Heart. I always see a ton of shows that I want to go to, and promptly forget and miss the show. My friend had tickets that she wasn'…