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Live from my couch, where I'm wearing a dress and slippers:

I left the house today to go to a psychiatrist for the first time in many years. I've been consistent with talk therapy, but like many, I got tired of doing the med shuffle, so I quit doing it. My family doctor recommended it, so I said, sure. I didn't go in with high expectations, really. And then I realized I had seen this same doctor before.

I love that doctors have started to digitize most of their new patient questionnaires. Instead of trying to get myself to an appointment fifteen minutes early (a laughable proposition, really) , I was able to do it at home over the weekend, a little buzzed, tiny kitty in my lap, husband on the other side of the room, smoking a cigarette in the solarium.

"Are you depressed?" the quiz asked me.

"Not right now, but I mean, most of the other time, absolutely," I thought to myself.

I clicked the circles, the scales between 1 and 10, I thought about my last two weeks, and I clicked "submit".

.     .     .       …

41.

I started writing this entry on my iPad, on Tumblr. I got my iPad on my 36th birthday.

The iPad (much like every other piece of computer equipment currently in my house) is slowing down. The operating systems are so fast, but overwhelm the old computers.

This leaves me struggling to find something that will turn on and I can write.

I need a new computer, but right now? I am a new level of broke. I overdrew my bank account on Thanksgiving; an autopayment that I forgot to cancel. The idea of working outside of my home is terrifying to me.

.     .     .     .     .

When I said months ago that taking care of myself is my current full-time job? I wasn't lying. And, much like my last paying job (i'd hate to say "real" job--this shit is REAL), I feel ill equipped to do it. But I struggle through; count the days where I get out of bed, take a shower, and stay in all day as a victory.

Trying to talk to my therapist is overwhelming. She's a new to me therapist. She also s…

Be Honest.

I originally started blogging here to write just about music. I've always gone to tons of shows, and I'm always listening to new music, so I figured why not write about it? I went to school for journalism, because in 1994, journalism was still kind of a thing. And my employer was finally letting me write some content for their blog, so I was ready to write again. I had also started a second blog, Infinite Jess, where I discussed more of the personal things going through my brain.

Since losing my job, I have felt like I am cracked wide open. I've been all raw nerves and new emotions. I didn't realize until very recently that the reason I feel that way is because all of my usual coping mechanisms (shopping, food, drinking, drugs) are out of reach, because I don't have any money to spend on them. So, for the past almost six months, it's just been me and my feelings, hanging out, day in and day out.

I've spent a lot of time reading really heavy books. Stuff fr…

Obsessed: Mechanical Bands

As mentioned in the last post, I love researching the SHIT out of things on the internet. It usually starts with something that I remember from years past, usually from childhood (where I don't remember much other than popular culture).

My name is Jessica, and I've spent a lot of time reading about and watching documentaries about mechanical bands. It's a logical choice; I was a kid obsessed with The Muppets and Sesame Street. The jump from puppets to robots isn't that long, y'all.

I am a child of the eighties. Born in the late seventies, I was a kid during the time of the pizza places with mechanical bands and carnival games. My dad took us to Chuck E. Cheese after every report card came out, because good grades = free tokens, and I was a kid who did her homework to reap those great spoils quarterly. But I only have vague recollections of Showbiz Pizza.

According to this website somehow still hosted on Tripod, there was a Showbiz Pizza at 2525 Romig Rd. in Akron…

Constructive Summer

June 20 was supposed to be the day that I was going to quit my job. I had it marked in my calendar; I was going to go to take a week off of work, use up my vacation time, go see The Hold Steady in Chicago, and then June 20, quit my job.

I got fired on May 11. When I walked into work that morning, I knew something was up. I had been to this rodeo before. After the "can I see you in the conference room" and the news delivered from people who can't make eye contact, I said "ok, I just need to clean my office out". I had already taken most of my important things home weeks earlier, so it took me a few minutes to collect my photos and anything else I had brought to remind me that my Life on the Outside of that place was what mattered to me most.

I sat in my car for a moment, and called my husband. We laughed a bit on my drive home. I could feel my blood pressure dropping, which was fantastic. I went home, trudged up the million flights of stairs, and sat down on th…

Late to the Game: Wilco/Jeff Tweedy

Wilco has been a band that has been hanging out in my periphery for many, many years. I remember seeing them on 120 Minutes occasionally, and enjoying their singles. But back then, if you wanted to check out a band, you had to take a leap of faith and buy the entire album. I didn't have the money to do that most of the time, and I had probably used up all of the names in my household for various Columbia House signups. So I never checked them out, beyond 120 Minutes. But they've always hung around, in one way or another.

I had a friend, Tony, who loved Wilco. His two favorite bands of all time were Wilco and Guided By Voices. To this day, I still associate both bands with Tony. He was with me the first time I saw The Hold Steady, which I've always viewed as good luck. Tony was always one of those guys who was so passionate about what music he loved, so I trusted his judgment.

I met Kurt in 2014, and he's a huge Wilco fan. One of the first Instagram posts I saw of his …

REVIEW: The Hell You Say- "A Dream and the Monsters at the End of It..."

I've been jumping around scenes for years. I spent a few of my younger years totally into hardcore, and a few years in the mid-2000s really into metal. I still listen to a lot of metal and hardcore, especially if I'm trying to get some shit done, or feeling a little aggressive and need to let some of that energy out. Luckily, The Hell You Say sent me a link to their two song EP.

The Hell You Say is a five piece that hails from Louisville, KY, a town that spawned a ton of great hardcore bands over the years. Their songs launch a direct assault on the listener and don't give up. Vocalist Jeremy Fultineer screams and snarls with precision. The crushing guitar riffs and drums and bass to match kept me on the edge of my seat the entire time. The only bad part, really, is that there are only two songs so far. I want more!

You can pick up the EP on Bandcamp , and check them out on tour soon.